so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
