Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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