you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
