I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
