do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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