We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
