I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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