Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
