cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
