Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
