i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
