Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
