I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
