I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
