Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
