My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
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