We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she told me i tasted like america
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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