Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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