I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
