guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
