Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
