So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
