rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
