Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
