Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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