i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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