so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
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