I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Boobs are out for the taking
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
