Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
