But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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