I heard we made out
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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