Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
this hospital has no fireball
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Randomize
