you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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