Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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