Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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