Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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