I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
