we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
