when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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