Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
