Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
