Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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