Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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