I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
