i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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