If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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