im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
