marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
