you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
