I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
How does one acquire holy water?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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